I am in a fucked up state of mind. I've been reading Fight Club, the novel by Chuck Palahnuik and wishing that I was there. Wishing I had some outlet for my feelings of disillusionment. My feelings of frustration and helplessness.
My life is inevitable and inescapable. It stretches out before me already plotted. And it scares me. A lot. It scares me to think that I have to go through it all. When all I want to do is sleep. All I want to do is dream. I want to escape. And I can't.
I don't spend time with people any more. I don't like people any more. I don't want people any more. But I also want people. All the time. I want to be with people all the time. I want to be loved. By people. All the time.
I want drugs. I want another world. Where what I think is ok. Where everything I think is ok. I want to be in a world where it's just thinking and not doing. But I don't. As well. I want to be in a world and do things. I actually want to finish something. Be something and get somewhere. But I feel like I can't. I'm afraid of not being able to escape. But I'm trapped by my fear as well. Why aren't I so scared of being trapped by my own fear that I become free?
What would that freeness be like? Would it be death? Or life? Would it be ok? That's all I want. I don't need to be happy or blissful I don't need heaven sometimes I just need to be ok. Always I need to be ok. But things aren't ok.
I can't keep drawing this comic. It's not for me. I don't know if I can even keep writing. We'll see...
